Try harder

That's the message I've heard many times throughout my life. Often from well-meaning folks. They imagine that life will blossom and magic happens through sheer force of effort.

It's also a message I've been guilty of promoting, of repeating things I've heard, of an expectation that the American dream is ready and waiting if only you put your Protestant, capitalistically infused being into position and push (yes, very much tongue-in-cheek).

Yes. Working hard can be a good thing. It helps, absolutely it does. Unless you're handed life on a silver spoon, much of the benefits that accrue come from that effort extended, and from the realization of others that investing further in you just might be worth it.

But sometimes telling someone that success will come from sweat is the wrong message, and not one they need at that time.

Sometimes you're talking to someone who is burned out, who has been pushing without end, who has been myopically focused on the end goal, giving it their all. Such a statement, at that point, and without consideration of the differences in our lives, backgrounds, and experiences, is uninformed at best.

Now when I see someone struggling, pushing, and not seeing the rewards they expect, I hold off on passing judgment. Instead, I ask questions, try to figure out where they're at, and see if help is even needed.

We cannot, by definition, understand where someone is coming from. We use generalizations to try and group clumps of people together, often with problematic stereotypes, but fail to see the person underneath as an individual with their own hopes and desires.

Try harder doesn't take into account neurodivergence, grief, less-than-ideal backgrounds, biases, racism, bigotry. And I've been attempting to unravel my own misinformed beliefs over the past few years.

Instead of decrying misfortune as a result of a problem with the person (feels like the Biblical story of Job might have been trying to tell us something), we should hold off on our assumptions and focus instead on understanding.

Now, what do we do with people who we perceive are stuck in their own rut, proverbial Eeyores, not desiring to become better, not wanting to push, without drive or focus or ability?

First, we have to look at this through a fresh lens. Why has someone reached that perceived point? Why are they unmotivated? Why aren't they pushing? We cannot presume to understand a whole clump of people from a quick-take perspective that lacks living their life.

Is that to say people are all good? Well, that's a philosophical question I've wrestled with my whole life. But I think it's nuanced. Some people want to try, others are tired, still others have a selfish streak, and others are selfless almost to a fault.

What I'm trying to say in all this is that it's complicated. I've had times in my life where I could barely put up the effort to accomplish a small task, and other times where I've accomplished in days what might have been expected to take weeks or months. I was still me each time, but in different circumstances and conditions, with different motivations and understandings, and surrounded by people who I could either collaborate with or was confused by.

So yes, this is all messy. But the thing that we sometimes fail to see is how much we're working with the tender lives of others, how our words matter, how each human has a journey they're on and it cannot be summarized in a tight, cute elevator speech which I use to store into an index card in my mind for that person.

Does that mean we're off the hook for effort? I don't know. I believe so many of us have the desire to create, to help, to make amazing things. But life, the challenging world we live in, our backgrounds and beliefs, the family we're from, all these create complex weaves of mismatched motivations that we have to untangle.

I've known friends who seemingly could care less about anything at one point, and were incredibly driven and excited to pursue life at another.

So, let's be a little kinder to others, and especially to ourselves. Maybe instead of trying so hard, look at why we're blocked by something, and try and find a path that matches how we process, how we think, and aligns with what gets us excited and inspired.

That's what I've been trying to do more of lately, and I encourage you to do the same. And the funny thing? The days go by quickly when you're working on the path that you feel you were meant to pursue.